Talking to God.

First things first. I love God. Sometimes I'm mad at him, other times, very thankful. Most times I'm asking for forgiveness, and strength. I consider myself one of the many, yet few who have special appreciation and understanding of the world and people around us. This understanding almost always leads to spirituality. I know there are ideologies where God is taken out of spirituality. But for me there will always be a God. This world is too corrupt, yet too beautiful not to have someone looking over us.

I don’t know when it started. Me talking to God. I always had a special place in my heart for him. As does he, for me, and every one else. So it's not too surprising that I talk to him. As he is always there, even if no one is around. Some times he talks back to me. Most time he lets me decide the best course of action. After all, this is my life to live and learn. Here comes my favourite part. I don’t know if this quote is out there somewhere, but I can truthfully say I wrote it out. It came to me one day when I was reminiscing about my life and how bittersweet it can be. Then I heard myself say, "it's okay, At the end, God will be there".

At the End, God will be There

This gives me great faith and strength. Faith in the afterlife. Strength to live life. One thing is for sure. Every one's life is different. Not one is the same as the other. And to think there are over six billion of us with our own consciousness is beyond my comprehension. Just like this very minute I am thinking, every one else is thinking some thing some where. Some times I look at the people travelling on the subway with me. Everyone is so different. Some going to work, some going to school, and others simply going some where. Every one has a life. Everyone has a destination. A place to go. A person to see.

The truth is. The world moves too fast for me. I am always playing catch up. Maybe that's what allows me to reflect more often than is healthy. It is exhausting playing catch up when you are always left with the feeling of 'huh, did i just miss something'. And that you are never there at the moment when it matters the most. I missed the spotlight on my stage called life. Imagine running after those bright lights which fixes your position on the stage. Every time you get under the light, it moves to the other end of the stage. That's how I feel. Life is going by too fast, too real.

My answer to my exhaustion? God of course. I keep complaining. He keeps listening. If I didn’t' have him, I would be one confused child running after spotlight after spotlight. But now I know, once the lights turn off. At the end, God will be there.

In the Name of Blueberries!

Weight Loss: Zero lbs.

Yes. I have started a diet yet again. It's rather unfortunate I know. I believe it was exactly this time last year that I ventured into my Green tea diet. How time flies by eh?! Did I accomplish my goal? Of course not, what a silly question. I wouldn't be compelled to write this blog had I been successful right?

There was some improvement in the months following the diet, up until October 2009 I believe. Then I got cocky and discovered bubble tea at Wal-Mart! Not just any Wal-Mart, just the one by Markham & Sheppard. It has a bubble tea shop called "Tea Shop" inside its premises. And they make the best bubble tea in the Greater Toronto Region! And do you know what the best part is? It's damn cheap! Only $3.14 for a large which includes tapioca. My favourite flavour? Taro! Taro! TARO! Yum yum yum.

But now I’m back again to reunite with my green tea bags. However there is a new addition. Meet my new friend, Blueberries. Of course you have heard about them. They are synonymous with diet, Oprah and Dr. Oz. It's only natural I incorporated them. This time I am serious however. Well, I want to be serious. I have to be serious. You know why? Because I am getting married! YAY me!

I know its' a big deal to publicly want to lose weight. But who cares right? The people around me are already in the know. So what if some random guy from India (preferably from Chennai) reads about my weight loss attempt? I'm not embarrassed.

I want to lose 20lbs. Whoa! You might be wondering how much I ACTUALLY weigh. But that' I'm still shy about confessing. Let's just say I want to lose 20lbs. How am I going to get there? That I don’t know. The problem is : I don't exercise. I hate exercise. I mean just the thought of enduring the "pain" stops me from even trying. But at the same while, I know I'd have to exercise if I want to lose weight. Restricting calories and eating healthy is not going to get me where I want to go. It may pave the way, but it's definitely not going to deliver. That's where I am stuck. I have a treadmill at home, which sits prettily in my basement collecting dust. I can't find the motivation to get on it. I just can't. I have now devised a plan to go jogging/running around a track which I have yet to follow through. My friend keeps asking me to come running in the mornings with her. Till now my answer to her has been “Zzzz......Zzzz.....Zzzzz".

Hopefully I will have better news in the coming days. It's been one whole week since I have stuck to my blueberry, green tea and 'only eat when you are hungry' diet. Oh yes, I also drink lots of water. I go grocery shopping on my own. So I can pick out the items I can take/make for work. I have only binge eaten one day last week. This is very good for me.

Wish me good luck. Will be back with an update soon.

To You

I know some times it doesn't seem so. Or it would have even lasted; much less existed. But here I am again. Thinking. What great moments it had been. I sigh. A deep breath. A slow blink. The heart flutters. And I think again of the way we were.

Maybe my heart told your heart
It had a parking place outside
Or that we both like taking walks
And doing things at night.
Maybe our hearts have the same favorite color
And found each other that way
Or maybe because they both love sunshine best
And always tell summer to stay.
Maybe your heart sent my heart a secret message
That said, “I’ve been waiting for you...Let’s go.”
Or maybe when it comes to things like this,
There aren’t reasons….Hearts just know.

This time around, it's My heart to Your heart.
Santhipom!

Enaku Piditha Paadal Vareehal

Transatlion..... "Lyrics I like". Here is a list of my favourite phrases from Tamil songs since yesteryears. Every line here, I understand to it's depth. Or atleast I think I do.

1 . வருவான் காதல் தாவேன் என்று காற்றும் கூற, வரட்டும் வாசல் தேடி இன்று காவல் மீரா, அலையல் ஓசை ராகமாக இசைத்தேன் வாழ்த்துப் பாடலை, ஒருநாள் வண்ண மாலை சூட வளர்த்தேன் ஆசைக் காதலை (Chattriyan, 1990)

2 . ஆசை வந்து என்னை ஆட்டி வாய்த்த பாவம், மட்ட்ரவரை நான் ஏன் குத்தம் சொல்ல வேணும். கொட்டும் மழை காலம் உப்பு விக்க போனேன் காற்றடிக்கும் நேரம் மாவு விக்க போனேன். தப்பு கணக்கை போட்டு தவித்தேன் தங்கமே ஞான தங்கமே (Aboorva Sagorthargal, 1989)

3 . கண்கள் சொல்கின்ற கவிதை இளம் வயதில் எத்தனை கோடி, கண்கள் சொல்கின்ற வகிதை இளம் வயதில் எந்தனை கோடி (Kavikkuyil, 1977)

4 . சுவாசக் காற்று வரும்பாதை பார்த்து உயிர்தாங்கி நானிருப்பேன்
மலர்கொண்ட பெண்மை வாறது போனால் மலைமீது தீக்குளிப்பேன்
என் உயிர் போகும் போனாலும் துயரில்லை பெண்ணே அதற்காகவா பாடினேன்
வரும் எதிர்காலம் உன் மீது பழிபோடும் பெண்ணே அதற்காகத்தான் வாடினேன்
முதலா முடிவா அதை உன் கையில் கொடுத்துவிட்டேன் (Bombay, 1995)
 

Raavan, Raavannan, Raavana

The most anticipated movie of this summer is not Rajini's Endhiran, but Maniratnam's Raavanan! OH YES IT IS! It's due to hit theatres this June and I can hardly wait. It boasts of a stellar cast led by Vikram, Aishwariya Rai, Karthik, Prithiraj and Priyamani. There is no need for introduction for either Cheyan Vikram, or ever beautiful Aishwariya. Of course the Karthik I am implying is my all time favourite hero of yesteryears not too long ago, Karthik from Mouna Ragam. You may remember Priyamani from the hit movie "Paruthiveeran', and that's probably the only movie you can recall her from, although she must have acted in plenty more. The 10 other commercial movies she did....., not so great. It's a shame rather, that a great actress like herself can't be utilized by Kollywood.  Actually come to think of it, I can't even recall a single movie that she was in, thats' how much of an impression they left on me. And then there is Prithiraj, best known for his role in Mozhi as Jothika's better half. He is a good actor, and has done some pretty noteworthy roles.

The story takes an aim at Ramayjanam in modern time. The hero is the villain. Oh what wonderful treat it shall be. With Maniratnam's knack for character sketch and minute details, this will be a treat for all movie lovers. I cant' simply wait.

Do I Have a Friend in Brampton?!

It's not a surprise to those that visit my site to soon realize that not too many people in fact visit my site. What gives? Oh I don't know...maybe the lack of comments? Or the fact that I do not own a facebook account and can't advertise myself (side note: did you know it is officially much cooler not to have a face book account than to actually have one? So ha. Mission accomplished! Well done grasshoppers.)! Also to mention that Shalini Murugiah (that's me) doesn't have much friends, family or even enemies.

So it's pretty easy for me to know who actually regularly visits my site. Three people now (up from 2)! My sister, my little sister, and my best friend. And then there are those that are in search for D.B.S. Jeyaraj and stumble across my blog, only God knows why. I only have two posts in matters related to him. I can't complain though, that brought me the most "traffic" than anything else I had to say!

There is someone new now. Someone from Brampton. The place that is farther than Mississauga. What's more odd? Brampton is like untouched territory for me, along with Mississauga and Vaughan. There is no one that is even remotely close to me outside of Scarborough and Markham. I know one person from RichmondHill, but she doesn't visit my blog. Neither do people from east of Markham, like Ajax/Whitby where I have friends and cousins. It's one thing for this person to may have accidently or on purpose stumble across my blog. That I get sometimes. But to visit me everyday? No. I dont have anyone that loyal. Not even my three sometime-followers.

That being said. I would like to say thank you to my new friend whom I don't know. A sincere thank you for reading my blog posts, you are one in a few.

Apadiyum Sollalamah?!

They say when you are drunk you will speak the truth. So I ask myself tonight. Does that apply to writing? Will one write the truth if they are drunk too? Or is it just for those wagging tongues? What is truth anyways? Is it not possible that my truth is someone else's illusion? Do we not see the world through shaded eyes? I know I do. I have been wearing contacts since grade 11, when I was 16. My truth is., I am in love. I love the guy I love very much. I have always been a sucker for love. I don't know why. Is it hereditary? I hope not. The pain that love brings is almost as unbearable, as the pain that no love brings. To love and to be loved, or to love and to be not loved, there is bitter sweetness in every aspect of it, is it not? What is love? Why do we love? Why at the age of nine did I have a crush on this boy I barely knew. What is it about him that I liked? What sparked in me...., in us. We were too young then. But I am old enought now, so why does it still feel so right, and so true.

They also say, if you love something let it go, if it was meant to be it will come back to you. What if it doesnt? What if it went away so far away, that you question its existence. What is real. What is not. Was I really the gril that I was years ago? Or am I the girl that stares back at me through mirror today. Which one am I. Which is the better me. The one that appears to be happier? Which one is it. I look, and I look. I stare and I stare. The person on the other end of the mirror cries. I cry. We both cry.

It's been A-WHILE!

One of the few things I remember from my school days is learning that 'a while'  has a space between 'a' and 'while'. It's not one word after all. It was an 'ahh-ha' moment for me. For some reason, I have always remembered that lesson from grade school. And those many times I was asked to edit some person's essay, or assignment, or letter to the Canadian Government, I'd take it upon myself to point out this very common but a mistake nonetheless to the person of interest. I'd take pride and breathe in a sense of arogance for  having caught this obvious mistake. Because this I was sure of. 'A while' is two separate words. And that's that.

Why am I telling you this? I have no idea. Just wanted to write something on my blog as it has been too long since my last entry. Why the absence you ask? 1. My change in work schedule. 2. my labtop. My laptop is officially broken. I bet you didn't know I was using a hand me down laptop till this point. I didn't mind. I don't generally have a knack for technology. Of course this is mainly influenced by the fact that I have butterfingers when it comes to handling or caring for anything remotely expensive. Again, tha's just me. Some of us are just born accident prone. It's true. Some one out there, probably an accident prone themself, has done a study to prove this very theory?! That some people are more susceptible to attract minor but frequent accidents than others. So HA! Wait....I just have to find this study now.....hmmm....

* I didn't spell check this, so please don't point out my obvious 'mistakes'. HA, you didn't think this all came naturally did you? Have a happy one!

Welcome 2010, Puthandu Valthukal !

This is the first year I rang in the new year at the temple, and it was the perfect start to a year full of possibilities. Two of my friends and I went to Richmondhill Pillayar Temple at 11:30 in the evening, attended the Archanai at midnight, prayed, walked around, checked out some beautiful sarees and chudithars, and some boys of course, hahaha, had some coffee courtesy the temple, and left around 1:30 in the morning. I felt incredibly spiritual and light hearted, and enjoyed myself so much that I have decided that I will make this a tradition every year from this year on.

So I Didn't Watch Vettaikaran!

I don't know how I would describe this feeling (or is it state of being?). When I am here at my house with little to nothing to do and bored out of my wits, and a Vijay movie is only a 15 minute drive away. Yet, here I still remain unable to coerce myself to watch it. And the truth is, I really don't know why. But I assume it's a combination of all the three following reasons. One more than the other, but I will tell you which one at the end.

Well for starters, I had been "advised" to boycott Vijay's Vettaikaran as Vijay had supposedly affiliated with a music director (Vijay Anthony) or was it singer? who in turn was affiliated with the Srilankan Sinhalese people. That's all the surface detail I, and the people who had "advised" me knew too.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Oh yes it is. It's snowing. Christmas day is approaching People are bundled and shopping through the wee hours. I see lights shining bright like stars through my window. I walk past trees all decked in jewels. I think to myself what a wonderful time of the year it is indeed. My birthday is around the corner, followed by the New Year, it couldn't have been planned any sweeter

What is it about this time of the year that got people hopping and parading with smiles plastered across their face for everyone to see. Is it the soft spells of the falling snow? Or is it the days off work that everyone had anticipated since the beginning of the year? Maybe it's all the SALE signs posted all around. No, I know what it is.

to be continue'd....

The Stranger in the Crowd

This week my life changed a little. A chapter started in my book. I started my new position at my company, and with that came some very permanent change. I never embrace change well. A reason why I still haven't tried Sushi till this day. Then imagine my anxiety when I'm left with no choice but to travel to and from downtown Toronto on the TTC Subway. AND then the Scarborough RT. A commute totalling 1.5 hrs. I used to get to work in mere 30 minutes in my Accord. But since joining the mortal ways, I have to forgo the luxury of my car. I guess things could have been okay had I been used to the TTC. But I'm not. In fact I have had an aversion to the TTC for a long time now, my best friend can attest to this if you must know. To put things in perspective, I have not 'rode the rocket' since 2001 when I finished high school.


Monday I took the Scarborough RT to Kennedy Station. I was impressed it only took 10 minutes to get from one end to the next. I didn't know that. Okay, well I'm not here to give you the itinerary of my daily commute. No. The parallel world of unknown strangers is what got me blogging this morning. I don't think I thought about this much, I surely must have at some point though as I'm a self professed wonderer of life's ambiguity. Yet, travelling among the crowd has made me think much more on this subject.

On any given day in my life I see a set of people. My parents, my sister/brother-in-law, my younger brother, a friend or two, colleagues and Niroshan. Sometimes I have the odd days where I step out of this circle and acknowledge some extended family and friends. And this is my world.

WILL WRITE MORE.

Oh Why Adhava, WHY?!

This weekend I went to watch Suriya's latest silver screen venture titled 'Aadhavan'. I don't know why I do this to myself time after time after time. Although I knew this movie was yet another crap out from the mills of Tinsel Town, Kollywood,  I couldn't stop myself. I just couldn't, as for my love for tamil movies is beyond simple reasoning and justification.  This is what I don't understand! How hard is it for directors and producers alike to come across a good script? Why is it always, ALWAYS, the same invincible hero and the unrealistic stunts? What happened to good characters with CHARACTER! There is no focus on character sketch or development.The actors are mere props. I was so excited to first hear that Sarojadevi was casted in this film. Yet she was just another prop! What talent wasted! At the least they can write a good script right? Nope. Not that either. The storylines are weaved with commercial nonsense, and illogical sequence of events. Even comedy tracks are unbearable, with little to do with the progression of the story! This is what they churn out in the the name of 'mass movie' - a movie for the mass!

I am sooo disappointed in Surya. So so so so so damn disappointed. I loved him because he was different. And because he cared about good story telling. I remember his good old days in movies like Friends, Pithamagan, Mounam Pesiyathay and Nandha. Even Kakka Kakka I liked in spite of Jothika's overbearing presence. The old magic must have been lost. He is yet another commercial actor like the rest of them. The fame and attention must have rode up to his head. This is clearly evident in the number of times he takes his shirt off in Varanam Ayiram! While Vijay tries to be the next Rajinikanth (which I'm all for), while Surya is following the footsteps of Kamal (not for!).

Anyways, going back to Aadhavan. It was a stupid movie. I never thought I'd say this, especially having hated her in Gajini, Nayanthara was the only pleasing portion of the movie. I loved loved her half-sarees. They were so colourful and pretty, and she, having lost so much weight, looks amazing! In conclusion, please don't waste your $10 on Adhavan, if you must watch a movie check out Jeyam Ravi's Peranmai. Atleast they should be applauded for steering away from mass commercialism! Not to mention Jeyam Ravi - who I was never too fond off - looks incredibly too hot with his new haircut.

The Break Up of a Dear Friendship!

Question! How many of you are still best friends with your best friend from elementary school? Changes are that with the hustle and bustle of life, that dear old friend has managed to slip away from your life a long time ago. If you are lucky, maybe you are still friends. Not in the BFF kinda way. But friends who catch up once a while for coffee and conversation --- with no animosity hopefully.

I had my share of friendships over the 26 + years of my being. My very first and bestest friend that I can remember is a Tamil girl that I met in Germany at age six by the name Prashanti. My memories are vague here, but I remember going over to each other's house, watching movies, and playing doll houses. And I also remember, that the day before I left Germany to come to Canada she told me she will be either going to India or coming to Canada herself. That was 20 years ago. I haven't seen her since. I don’t even have a photograph of Prashanti. She lives in my memories now, which is really a shame because I doubt I will recognize her if she runs into me tomorrow! I also had another best friend from Germany. Her, I remember very well. Maybe I would have forgotten her too, but as small as this world likes to be, life brought us within the same circle again. We seperated after I left Germany (or after she left, not sure who did first), and Jousa! I meet her again in Canada and funny story is she is now best friends with a good friend of mine. But these are friendships of children. As meaningful, and delightful as they might have been they don't sweeten the bonds of friendship like those years of elementary school or highschool. Because here, during these years, you practically share your life day in and out with these few special people From your crushes, to your longings to your troubles --- you share your most sacred feelings and even secrets you swore you'd never tell. They were friends that were with you from early in the morning when school started or even before that while you walked to school together, till late into the evening when you'd meet them again for play time. It was a parallel world reserved for friends, where everything lasted forever and nothing had to end. You know, the time you thought twenty-year-olds were soooo damn old!


Coming Soon, ......

So in Other News......, I HATE ROGERS!

If there is one company that gets my blood boiling, it has to be Rogers Co.! By stating this of course I forgo all my options to ever work there! Not that I would want to anyway! I'm a simple person, I don't expect much from my wireless service provider just that my bills are accurate and my services uninterrupted. Yet, since 2002 when I first got a cell phone I haven't gone an entire year without having to deal with their infamous customer sevice reps. Oh, the very thought of dialing that number stirs my blood. I hate Rogers for many very important and sufficient reasons. But here is three to be specific. (I am sure thousands will agree if they only find their way to my blog).

1. I hate their service. And I hate the people that give me that service. I mean, I don't hate them personally but as Rogers' employees I most definitely do. They are the worst in customer service. I hate them even more than I hate the staff at the Transportation Ministry!!! Rogers just doesn't give a shit about their customers. All they want to do is tell you "this is the way it is, this is the way it's going to be, if you don't like it, go *&^% yourself". One thing I see everyday is Rogers bending over for potential new customers with offers of better prices and plans, while blatantly screwing over their existing customers (ME) over and over and OVER again!

2. They always kick around the little people. By little people I mean those of us that don't have any money, and by our nature, are timid to create a scene on the phone. I have always heard of hearsay stories of this and that person getting this and that by complaining and bitching, BUT NEVER ME! NEVER! Never have I ever gotten what I wanted or anything free or discounted from Rogers! Once I tried telling the guy on the phone that I'd cancel my contract if he didn't reduce my bill to it's actual amount (not the overbilling they calculated), and he simply said "Go Ahead, but just remember MA'AM (as if!!!) that your contract is in force for the next 2 years so you will be required to pay the cancellation fees." Was that a threat? I wish I had more pride, and frankly more money to have said "Yeah, ^%$* I will cancel." But all I said was, "Fine, whatever, I'll pay the bill next week". At least I said "whatever" right? That was kinda rude of me don't you think?

3. 'Cause they screwed me over more than I appreciate. Just one is too many in fact. But let's see, there was that time when they "mistakenly" switched over the service plan I had originally picked to a more costlier one  due to a computer glitch. Worst part, they wouldn't allow me to switch over to my cheaper plan cause that was a special only offered during Christmas time. How did they try to make me feel better? They gave me a month of unlimited calling. Nice? No WAY. I had incoming free. And thanks to their costlier plan, now I had 500 day time minutes. So there is no freaking way I would go over that. I didn't even have a boyfriend then, damn it!!! Then there was the time they billed me $370 because they didn't realize I had unlimited incoming. After many transferrings, and waitings, and repeating my story to 5 different agents they reduced my bill to $80. If you ask me, that was still too high. But the little person I am, I said "fine, whatever". Oh how about the time I got this pathetic Tamil guy who was a Rogers representative to cancel my contract because he said he can and would even give me a brand new cell phone for free, only to realize 6 months later I am still on contract. And not just any contract, but a flippin' NEW CONTRACT, ANOTHER 3 YEARS OF ROGERS! What the heck, I still got a new phone right? WRONG. I didn't get the new phone for free! I was ENTITLED to a free phone since I was eligible for a hardware upgrade simply by renewing my contract. Conveniently the Rogers rep forgot to mention this to me. I would have never agreed to renew had I known this. I wanted off Roger's grip for so long now.
 
There you have it. Three out of a thousand reasons why I hate Ro-gerk-ers. Bunch of snobs, who only care about money money and more money.  I am waiting for the day to be released from their chains of slavery. One more year to go...YUPEE! And in keeping with similar news...here is a funny website IHATEROGERS.CA!