Welcome 2010, Puthandu Valthukal !

This is the first year I rang in the new year at the temple, and it was the perfect start to a year full of possibilities. Two of my friends and I went to Richmondhill Pillayar Temple at 11:30 in the evening, attended the Archanai at midnight, prayed, walked around, checked out some beautiful sarees and chudithars, and some boys of course, hahaha, had some coffee courtesy the temple, and left around 1:30 in the morning. I felt incredibly spiritual and light hearted, and enjoyed myself so much that I have decided that I will make this a tradition every year from this year on.

So I Didn't Watch Vettaikaran!

I don't know how I would describe this feeling (or is it state of being?). When I am here at my house with little to nothing to do and bored out of my wits, and a Vijay movie is only a 15 minute drive away. Yet, here I still remain unable to coerce myself to watch it. And the truth is, I really don't know why. But I assume it's a combination of all the three following reasons. One more than the other, but I will tell you which one at the end.

Well for starters, I had been "advised" to boycott Vijay's Vettaikaran as Vijay had supposedly affiliated with a music director (Vijay Anthony) or was it singer? who in turn was affiliated with the Srilankan Sinhalese people. That's all the surface detail I, and the people who had "advised" me knew too.

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!

Oh yes it is. It's snowing. Christmas day is approaching People are bundled and shopping through the wee hours. I see lights shining bright like stars through my window. I walk past trees all decked in jewels. I think to myself what a wonderful time of the year it is indeed. My birthday is around the corner, followed by the New Year, it couldn't have been planned any sweeter

What is it about this time of the year that got people hopping and parading with smiles plastered across their face for everyone to see. Is it the soft spells of the falling snow? Or is it the days off work that everyone had anticipated since the beginning of the year? Maybe it's all the SALE signs posted all around. No, I know what it is.

to be continue'd....

The Stranger in the Crowd

This week my life changed a little. A chapter started in my book. I started my new position at my company, and with that came some very permanent change. I never embrace change well. A reason why I still haven't tried Sushi till this day. Then imagine my anxiety when I'm left with no choice but to travel to and from downtown Toronto on the TTC Subway. AND then the Scarborough RT. A commute totalling 1.5 hrs. I used to get to work in mere 30 minutes in my Accord. But since joining the mortal ways, I have to forgo the luxury of my car. I guess things could have been okay had I been used to the TTC. But I'm not. In fact I have had an aversion to the TTC for a long time now, my best friend can attest to this if you must know. To put things in perspective, I have not 'rode the rocket' since 2001 when I finished high school.


Monday I took the Scarborough RT to Kennedy Station. I was impressed it only took 10 minutes to get from one end to the next. I didn't know that. Okay, well I'm not here to give you the itinerary of my daily commute. No. The parallel world of unknown strangers is what got me blogging this morning. I don't think I thought about this much, I surely must have at some point though as I'm a self professed wonderer of life's ambiguity. Yet, travelling among the crowd has made me think much more on this subject.

On any given day in my life I see a set of people. My parents, my sister/brother-in-law, my younger brother, a friend or two, colleagues and Niroshan. Sometimes I have the odd days where I step out of this circle and acknowledge some extended family and friends. And this is my world.

WILL WRITE MORE.

Oh Why Adhava, WHY?!

This weekend I went to watch Suriya's latest silver screen venture titled 'Aadhavan'. I don't know why I do this to myself time after time after time. Although I knew this movie was yet another crap out from the mills of Tinsel Town, Kollywood,  I couldn't stop myself. I just couldn't, as for my love for tamil movies is beyond simple reasoning and justification.  This is what I don't understand! How hard is it for directors and producers alike to come across a good script? Why is it always, ALWAYS, the same invincible hero and the unrealistic stunts? What happened to good characters with CHARACTER! There is no focus on character sketch or development.The actors are mere props. I was so excited to first hear that Sarojadevi was casted in this film. Yet she was just another prop! What talent wasted! At the least they can write a good script right? Nope. Not that either. The storylines are weaved with commercial nonsense, and illogical sequence of events. Even comedy tracks are unbearable, with little to do with the progression of the story! This is what they churn out in the the name of 'mass movie' - a movie for the mass!

I am sooo disappointed in Surya. So so so so so damn disappointed. I loved him because he was different. And because he cared about good story telling. I remember his good old days in movies like Friends, Pithamagan, Mounam Pesiyathay and Nandha. Even Kakka Kakka I liked in spite of Jothika's overbearing presence. The old magic must have been lost. He is yet another commercial actor like the rest of them. The fame and attention must have rode up to his head. This is clearly evident in the number of times he takes his shirt off in Varanam Ayiram! While Vijay tries to be the next Rajinikanth (which I'm all for), while Surya is following the footsteps of Kamal (not for!).

Anyways, going back to Aadhavan. It was a stupid movie. I never thought I'd say this, especially having hated her in Gajini, Nayanthara was the only pleasing portion of the movie. I loved loved her half-sarees. They were so colourful and pretty, and she, having lost so much weight, looks amazing! In conclusion, please don't waste your $10 on Adhavan, if you must watch a movie check out Jeyam Ravi's Peranmai. Atleast they should be applauded for steering away from mass commercialism! Not to mention Jeyam Ravi - who I was never too fond off - looks incredibly too hot with his new haircut.

The Break Up of a Dear Friendship!

Question! How many of you are still best friends with your best friend from elementary school? Changes are that with the hustle and bustle of life, that dear old friend has managed to slip away from your life a long time ago. If you are lucky, maybe you are still friends. Not in the BFF kinda way. But friends who catch up once a while for coffee and conversation --- with no animosity hopefully.

I had my share of friendships over the 26 + years of my being. My very first and bestest friend that I can remember is a Tamil girl that I met in Germany at age six by the name Prashanti. My memories are vague here, but I remember going over to each other's house, watching movies, and playing doll houses. And I also remember, that the day before I left Germany to come to Canada she told me she will be either going to India or coming to Canada herself. That was 20 years ago. I haven't seen her since. I don’t even have a photograph of Prashanti. She lives in my memories now, which is really a shame because I doubt I will recognize her if she runs into me tomorrow! I also had another best friend from Germany. Her, I remember very well. Maybe I would have forgotten her too, but as small as this world likes to be, life brought us within the same circle again. We seperated after I left Germany (or after she left, not sure who did first), and Jousa! I meet her again in Canada and funny story is she is now best friends with a good friend of mine. But these are friendships of children. As meaningful, and delightful as they might have been they don't sweeten the bonds of friendship like those years of elementary school or highschool. Because here, during these years, you practically share your life day in and out with these few special people From your crushes, to your longings to your troubles --- you share your most sacred feelings and even secrets you swore you'd never tell. They were friends that were with you from early in the morning when school started or even before that while you walked to school together, till late into the evening when you'd meet them again for play time. It was a parallel world reserved for friends, where everything lasted forever and nothing had to end. You know, the time you thought twenty-year-olds were soooo damn old!


Coming Soon, ......

So in Other News......, I HATE ROGERS!

If there is one company that gets my blood boiling, it has to be Rogers Co.! By stating this of course I forgo all my options to ever work there! Not that I would want to anyway! I'm a simple person, I don't expect much from my wireless service provider just that my bills are accurate and my services uninterrupted. Yet, since 2002 when I first got a cell phone I haven't gone an entire year without having to deal with their infamous customer sevice reps. Oh, the very thought of dialing that number stirs my blood. I hate Rogers for many very important and sufficient reasons. But here is three to be specific. (I am sure thousands will agree if they only find their way to my blog).

1. I hate their service. And I hate the people that give me that service. I mean, I don't hate them personally but as Rogers' employees I most definitely do. They are the worst in customer service. I hate them even more than I hate the staff at the Transportation Ministry!!! Rogers just doesn't give a shit about their customers. All they want to do is tell you "this is the way it is, this is the way it's going to be, if you don't like it, go *&^% yourself". One thing I see everyday is Rogers bending over for potential new customers with offers of better prices and plans, while blatantly screwing over their existing customers (ME) over and over and OVER again!

2. They always kick around the little people. By little people I mean those of us that don't have any money, and by our nature, are timid to create a scene on the phone. I have always heard of hearsay stories of this and that person getting this and that by complaining and bitching, BUT NEVER ME! NEVER! Never have I ever gotten what I wanted or anything free or discounted from Rogers! Once I tried telling the guy on the phone that I'd cancel my contract if he didn't reduce my bill to it's actual amount (not the overbilling they calculated), and he simply said "Go Ahead, but just remember MA'AM (as if!!!) that your contract is in force for the next 2 years so you will be required to pay the cancellation fees." Was that a threat? I wish I had more pride, and frankly more money to have said "Yeah, ^%$* I will cancel." But all I said was, "Fine, whatever, I'll pay the bill next week". At least I said "whatever" right? That was kinda rude of me don't you think?

3. 'Cause they screwed me over more than I appreciate. Just one is too many in fact. But let's see, there was that time when they "mistakenly" switched over the service plan I had originally picked to a more costlier one  due to a computer glitch. Worst part, they wouldn't allow me to switch over to my cheaper plan cause that was a special only offered during Christmas time. How did they try to make me feel better? They gave me a month of unlimited calling. Nice? No WAY. I had incoming free. And thanks to their costlier plan, now I had 500 day time minutes. So there is no freaking way I would go over that. I didn't even have a boyfriend then, damn it!!! Then there was the time they billed me $370 because they didn't realize I had unlimited incoming. After many transferrings, and waitings, and repeating my story to 5 different agents they reduced my bill to $80. If you ask me, that was still too high. But the little person I am, I said "fine, whatever". Oh how about the time I got this pathetic Tamil guy who was a Rogers representative to cancel my contract because he said he can and would even give me a brand new cell phone for free, only to realize 6 months later I am still on contract. And not just any contract, but a flippin' NEW CONTRACT, ANOTHER 3 YEARS OF ROGERS! What the heck, I still got a new phone right? WRONG. I didn't get the new phone for free! I was ENTITLED to a free phone since I was eligible for a hardware upgrade simply by renewing my contract. Conveniently the Rogers rep forgot to mention this to me. I would have never agreed to renew had I known this. I wanted off Roger's grip for so long now.
 
There you have it. Three out of a thousand reasons why I hate Ro-gerk-ers. Bunch of snobs, who only care about money money and more money.  I am waiting for the day to be released from their chains of slavery. One more year to go...YUPEE! And in keeping with similar news...here is a funny website IHATEROGERS.CA!

"Appa, Amma --- I Want to Marry Shalini"

One sentence. 5 words. How hard is it to say it? Apparently,.... a lot harder than I think according to my boyfriend. I am so tempted to write about my oh-so-complicated love affair with my boyfriend and his parents. My better self tells me not to. This is neither the place, nor circumstance. But my mischievous self. The one that is wholly impatient and easily irked by past injustices tells me otherwise --- 'Niroshan doesn't read your blog anyway!'. HA.

It's one of those stories. Actually, just writing that prior sentence has given me an idea. I will in fact tell you the "oh so" complicated story, without telling you anything about my story. Here's how. I will tell you the tamil movies that resemble my life. You know, the one with me, my boyfriend and his parents! Once you mesh the plots, and perhaps weed off the irrelevant elements, you just might get my story after all. Hmm...this should be fun.

Here are the movies of my life. Thirumagan (S.J. Surya, Meera Jasmine); Something Something Enakkum Unakkum (Jeyam Ravi, Trisha); Alai Payuthay (Madhavan, Shalini). This is harder than I thought. If you know tamil movies like I do, I think you already know my story.

Vintage Dreams...

It's him. It has to be. He has on the same red plaid shirt I have seen him wearing so many days. He looks the same. But older. There is a calmness about him now. He sits there all still, staring peacefully at nothing in particular with a smile that rips my heart apart. Yes, it's definitely him. I have dreamt of that smile every night for the past 10 years. It's his inviting smile that finally gives me the nudge to walk up to him. It connects us, two supposed strangers at the most strange setting. This day has finally come. I have dreamt of it over and over again. But never assumed it will happen in this life time. What is he doing here anyway?

I can see him more clearly now, and he isn't smiling anymore. His gaze meets mine. I hold it there for a second too long. Oh crap. There is no turning back now. It is him, and he knows it's me. He must. He'll surely recognize me. A thought crosses my mind....What if he ignores me. He must have moved on. He wouldn't have waited for me. I should turn back. Pretend that I didn't see him. I have lived without him for so long, I can surely endure another lifetime. I drop my gaze towards the ground and stare down the slight ripple that's' created in the puddle near my feet. I must act now. This is too weird. I have to go....

"Shal-ni...". Oh Lord. I hear his voice once again.

Desperate Housewives IS BACK!

Here is a sneak preview of what's to come on Desperate Housewives this season. I'm so excited! This show is one of those few things in my life that makes me unintentionally smile....and that's always the best way to smile isn't it? *sigh.

Do You Want to be Good, or Happy?

Who said you can't learn anything from watching television?! I learned 2 important lessons tonight from watching the first premiere episode of Desperate Housewives Season 6! Before I go on to say what it is I learned, here is a short history of me and DH.

Desperate Housewives is one of my ALL TIME favourite show. It's up there with FRIENDS even. I will recommend it to anyone that needs a good, uncomplicated laugh. The show follows the lives of 5 middle age women living in a suburban neighbourhood in Fairview, America. There is Susan, the main character of sort and the 'damsel in distress' heroine of the show, then there is Bree, the uptight Stepford wife kind, Gabrielle, the model turned housewife, Lynette, the one that had one to many children and of course, Eddie, the tramp of the neighbourhood. But if you ask me, they all characterize the perfect b.i.t.c.h at some point or another. Anywho..., their lives are all intertwined and injected where everybody is in everybody else's business as there is always a shroud of mystery that needs to be unravelled (often done by peering into your neighbour's window). Ha. So here is what I came across. Two very important statements that made me go...'huh'. Both related, one that extends on the first.

1. Would you rather be good, or happy? Carl asks this of Bree when she is reluctant to continue their intermittent affair. And this (if you can believe it) struck a hard cord with me. In one of my earlier post (this one) I had written about the struggles of being good. I came to write this post as I am constantly questioning what is good, and whether I can be good. So many wayward thoughts and wantings I have, yet I had chose to believe and accept that being good is the ultimate happiness. But now, with this question in mind I ask myself, 'what is the point of being good, if you are unhappy?'. I mean, why deny myself that piece of cake? Yes, not eating it would make me a good girl who sticks to her diet....., but if I eat it, it will make me happy damn it! Which is more important?!!!! Of course I am using an analogy of a cake to make my point, but this presses onto much larger issues in life. For example, should I be good and marry the person my parents deem suitable, or should I follow my heart and be happy with the person I love? And there is also the question of should I stick to the job that gives me the steady pay cheque week to week so I can support my family, or should I pursue my true passion? Or how about, should I marry the one I am with, or be happy with the one I love?

2. Feeling guilty is a small price for happiness! This is the second statement. So what if I spent the $100 I didn't have, it made me happy didn't it?! Our lives are too short, and too damn complicated to go through life all wound up. Maybe it is a good idea to wind down, and let loose your hair. Apart from the obvious of being good and evil, maybe we should just try to be the better version of ourselves that we can be, whilst being happy. If you have to deny yourself of happiness to be someone, then it just might not be worth it to be good.

...more thoughts to come..., ..I think....!

my sister's keeper

It's been only minutes since I finished the last pages of 'My Sister's Keeper' by Jodi Picoult. I'm no professional book critic or reviewer, but simply as a person that has read this book I want to say a few things about this book. I believe I have earned that much. Here goes a list of thoughts, opinions and strange reflections (in no particular order of course).

1. death, dying, waiting to die...., all take (once again) precedence in this book too. This is exactly what I alluded to in my previous post here. A great book, one that will leave lasting impressions, or even immediate contentment of having read a fine book almost always has death as a backdrop. What is it about death and loss that pulls at our heartstrings, and knots our stomach and wells up our eyes? Maybe because it's the one thing in our lives that we have no control over, and choose to understand the least.

2. Anna, the main character, wants to be emancipated from her parents. Not so she can get her hands on her trust fund, or party past her curfew. Rather, she wants to be 'medically emancipated' from her parents. The right to her own body. The right to decide whether she wants to donate a kidney to her terminally ill older sister. My first thought of Anna was of course selfish. How could she not want to save her own sister's life? She is not old enough to make those decisions herself. She will grow up to regret it. But when you read on and get to know Anna, you understand her better. It's not that I agreed with her, but you understand why she has taken such a drastic measure. Sometimes, feeling invisible is worse than any sickness. At least with sickness comes attention.

3. Campbell and Julia. Their story is a subplot to My Sister's Keeper. Nevertheless, just as engaging and kind of like the inevitable love story that's always included in a novel. I liked both their character sketch. Fate and love abandons them, only to bring them together many years after. I'm a sucker for any story that has ANY resemblance to the following: boy meets girl. boy and girl fall in love. boy leaves girl for unknown reasons. girl is devastated. boy comes back, tells girl, 'he had to leave'. Ah. There is a reason after all.

4. 'Armchair Astronomer'. Prior to this book I was not familiar with this term. But now it's a term that is perfect to describe my boyfriend. Like Brian, the father of Anna, Niroshan too is an armchair astronomer. Niroshan loves to watch space documentaries of faraway galaxies, and burning stars. If you ask him, he won't be able to recall what he did last weekend, but if you were to ask him if the sun will ever burn out, he will explain it to you in all its gaiety and particulars. Some times when I am on the phone with him and nearing the brink of sleep, I ask him to 'talk' about space. As he embarks on supernovas, gamma rays, and black holes, I will cozily fall asleep. It's like our own little story time, except I'm not listening.

5. There is a passage in the book that reads "In the English language there are orphans and widows, but there is no word for the parent who loses a child". Hmmm. Never thought of it like that. How true it is.

6. Mother. Synonymous with sacrifice.

7. This book was made into a motion picture film and was released just this summer. I have to watch it now that I have read and liked the book. One of my friend just told me last week the movie was better than the book. That was the first I heard. It's always the book that is better than the movie right? So now I am curious. Can't wait. Save me two seats at AMC Kennedy.

Achieving Greatness!

One of my prayer at temples has always been, and will be, to be a good person. A good human being. What do I mean by 'good'? Not a saint definitely. But someone that characterizes humility, sincerity and happiness. A person that has come to understand, life can be beautiful as long as you are happy with the small blessings in life. Like my health. My family. The crystal faux chandelier in my room. My boyfriend, good friends, conversations and coffee. Or my mother's spicy chicken curry, and my dad's mouth watering keera curry! Every time I sneak a spoon of my dad's spinach curry right off the pot, I can't help myself but utter "sabaash!". These are the blessings of my life...

But it's not easy being good is it? So I have noticed.

With the endless pursuit of material likings, and shameless vanity, it's hard to count your blessings. Rather, it's much easier to compare and realize what it is that you weren't blessed with. Like a pretty nose for starters! hahahah. Why do we always compare ourselves to those that have more money, or more beautiful than us? What is money and beauty anyways? One, which in its very nature will never be enough, and the other, destined to quietly slip away. It's not jealousy. It's called pity. Pity on your own self. And the sad truth is, every one is guilty of it. Unless of course, your prayer was answered.

I try. Being good entails being happy. I am not always happy. And it's by my own doing than anyone else's, even God's. Because most of the misgivings in my life are my own fault. I am inevitably accountable. Like my...

to be continue'd, .......

Time is Everything....; Time is Nothing!

The concept of time..., where did it come from? Which idiot thought of it. What is time anyways? Is it the long hours that never seem to pass quickly enough at work? Or is it the crawling minutes when I wait for someone outside their house? Maybe it's the 'time' that is never enough for people. Time gone too fast - youth and beauty that seemed endless at one point, is now slowly but decidedly fading with each ticks and tocks of the old clock.

I am going to turn 27 this year. TWENTY SEVEN. That's 9909 days. 237, 816 hours. All gone by. Never to come back again. Never. Jousa! Where have all the years gone? I will tell you the best years of my life; 1988-1992, 1994, 1998-99, 2000, 2005. I cant' remember the early years. I have trouble even remembering what I did last week, or who I met, so to recall times in my early years is like trying to milk alcohol out of a cow! I am sure I had the best times of my life before 1988. That's when I had grandparents, cows, dogs, and a front lawn to play all day. Certainly I would have laughed with no hint of suppression. Unlike my laugh today. It's tainted with knowledge. Knowledge that teaches you with every tragedy, that sometimes when you laugh, you will have to cry too....

That's why I never laugh too loudly or freely. If I did, I make certain for penance. It's not fair I tell myself sometimes. Why is there a dark shadow over my being, in my conscious, in the words that I speak, in the thoughts I pore, like it has seeped deep within my marrow. Why can't I be free ....like the rest of them....then I ask myself...are they? Are they free? How could I possibly know. For all I gather, they are seeing me laugh freely. People used to say I am lucky. I never understood why. Now that they know, they won't repeat the same mistake again. At least I hope not. I have changed, my life has changed, .....time has changed.

Can I bead the happy years on a string and leave the rest? How many years will I miss out. How many hours. What will be the final count. Then how old will I really be.

Why I Like to Read...

Right now I am reading 'The Time Traveler's Wife' by Audrey Niffenegger. I just put that aside so I can ponder the Internet and stumbled on my blog again. Although I am loving typing this very minute, the anticipation of actually writing something always puts me off. I wonder if that negates the idea I have of me as liking to write? hmmm.

Anyways. I'm half way through The Time Traveler's Wife and I'm liking it thus far. It's very different from all the books I have read. It's an entirely new concept, well unless of course you count the movie 'Back to the Future'. But this book is different, this is a love story. It's about a guy, Henry, who is a time traveller, and his wife, Clare, who is not. Clare loved Henry when she was six. Henry only loved Clare when he was 29. That's because Henry went back in time and met young Clare, when he was married to Clare in the present. But the Henry Clare meets at 20, doesn't' know Clare, because he still hasn't met young Clare yet. ...., complicated? A tad bit!

But that's how the story goes, and it's been pretty engaging with all it's imaginative story telling. Even as I'm half way through the book, I find myself waiting impatiently for the 'big story', cause you can almost tell from the beginning that something is going to go wrong. I have to constantly remind myself to take in each page as it comes, and not rush through the story. AND why is it that all good stories, or rather heartbreaking stories all allude to death and/or loss? Maybe except Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen (which I absolutely adore!) But I will write about this book (perhaps) later, right now I want to stay true to my blog title, and that is Why I Read!

Like I mentioned, I am reading The Time Traveler's Wife now. Before this, I read 'I am So Happy for You'. And before that I read Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows by J.K. Rowling! I also read Pride and Prejudice very recently too over the summer. Next, I will be reading 'My Sister's Keeper' by Jodi Picoult and after that, 'A Fine Balance'. I know this because I have those two books ready to be read. I ordered 4 books last week on Amazon.ca. It was my first time, and it was a joyous occasion for me. The excitement of receiving a package at home through mail was surprisingly joyous.

I have always read since my younger days. I sometimes catch my dad telling relatives or guests about my reading, and sometimes rather proudly I suppose. And truth is, I am proud of my reading too. Recently, over the last year I have taken a very deliberate effort to buy books and expand my book collection. I like reading because it takes me to different worlds, and allows me to peek into different lives. People and places I would never meet or visit in this lifetime. Every book I read is like a secret world that I was allowed to step in and experience. As I let my imagination take over, I feel as though I am right there following the main characters through their lives. Sometimes, I get so attached to certain characters that I wind up overwhelmingly sad when I finish a book. I will no longer be part of their lives :(

Reading allows me to be unexceptional. I'm not the only one that has lost someone, or had my heart broken. And that I'm not the only one that reads magazines while in the bathroom. Nor am I the only one that is self-conscious. Nor am I the only one that has bad moods. It makes me realize there is far more suffering in this world than what I can account through watching movies, and news broadcasts. When you read a book, as fictitious as they may be, you know there is some one out there some where that felt this pain, and suffered through this loss. And reading personal adaptations are more significant than watching television through your eyes and ears. Reading goes to your heart, and you feel it.